Holy jackpots, Batman. Check out the swag tonight: Nearly five hundred quid out there tonight. Don’t slip on the pavement though, it’s icy in patches.

Cellar Monkey (Argyle Bar), 7pm

Jackpot: £100

Cheat: There’s an ORCHID in the picture round. True fact.

Newsroom, 9pm

Jackpot: £290

(I’ll say that again: two hundred and ninety pounds) (zwei hunderd und neunzig fucking POUNDS, darling).

Cheat: Classy moment in the music round tonight is SHIRLEY BASSEY doing “Never Never Never”. Great performer, great song. Great fruit, great veg. Greater London Council.