Dr Paul Pub Quiz Rules

1. No Cheating

If you look up answers on your phone it makes you a Cunto.

If I think someone is cheating I’ll call them out on it but I only have the four eyes, so if you see someone cheating, then tell them to their face.

If the warning fails, you have my permission to punch them in the throat.

throat punch
quiz cheat throat punch

To be honest, cheating is not as big a problem as some people think. When people are on their phones at the quiz its usually because they are more addicted to social media than they realise and less because they are cheating.

Also, the regulars don’t cheat – they come to enjoy the quiz. The ones who do cheat are usually one-off teams and they are usually too thick to even cheat properly.

Believe me, I’ve snuck up and looked over their shoulders a few times and they don’t even know what they’re doing.

2. No Phones (Even If You Aren’t Cheating)

Even if you’re not cheating, using your phone during the questions will make people think you are cheating. At which point they might well throat-punch you (see above)

Save it for the bit in between the rounds. Put the phone down. Talk to your actual friends in real life.

3. Spelling Doesn’t Matter

Don’t worry about spelling. The idea of “correct” spelling is an ultra- right-wing concept invented by leading proto-nazi thinker Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) and perfected in the 20th century by full-on fascist bastards like Franco and Thatcher.

Basically, if I know what you meant then you get the points.


4. Birthday Bonus Rule

If it’s your birthday, you get an extra point for your quiz team. It has to be your actual birthday on the actual day of the quiz and I’ll need to see some ID to prove it.

5. Trivia Tiebreaker (Main Quiz)

The usual way of settling the main quiz in the event of a draw is a trivia shoot-out. It works like this:

  1. Teams are invited to send forward their best player.
  2. I ask a question
  3. If you answer first and you are right, your team wins the quiz.
  4. If you answer first and you are wrong, you have to wait for the other player to have a guess.
  5. No help from anyone else (including team members).

6. Dance Off Tiebreaker

In the event of a dance-off, the following key rules apply:

  1. Whoever makes it to me first gets to choose the genre
  2. No touching between participants (it makes judging much harder)

7. Jackpot Round

  1. Write out the answers in full. Don’t write “A”, “B”, “C” etc. I can deal with it but its a pain.
  2. You must get your answers in within 2 minutes. The tune I play to determine two minutes is “Wheelbase” by the Ray Martin Orchestra

8. The Coldplay Rule

“Coldplay” is never a correct answer for any question at the Dr Paul Quiz. Even if it’s the right answer (e.g. for a speed list round), it still doesn’t count. No Coldplay. Ever.

9. Team Names

People ask me if their team name is “too offensive”. It’s usually not. We’re all adults.

no no no

And, its not exactly a rule, but I strongly advise you to avoid the following team names, given their perennial over-use.


10. Manners

Again, not rules but try to stick to the following:

  1. Please help the loud drunk person in your team be quiet when you and everyone else is trying to hear the questions.
  2. Don’t be that person who declares that the winners “must have cheated”. Winning via cheating is not that common (see “Cheating” above) ang getting all salty and sour about it just makes you look like a bitch.
  3. If you win a shit load of money it would be good manners to buy the bar staff a drink, wouldn’t it?

11. Once It’s Handed In..

…. that is it, it’s handed in. No asking for your sheet back to edit once your team has already given me the answers. Same rule for everyone.


There are bound to be more rules I haven’t thought of but I’ll publish them here when I think of them…