I’m Back

I survived an operation last week. They literally cut me open and put me back together again like play doh, meccano, lego and origami. If you’ve never had one under GA, I’ll tell you this: it’s weird.

Anyway – back to work tonight.

7pm – The Joker & The Thief. Jackpot £30. Cheat: The music round includes ‘Regina’ by The Sugarcubes. It’s Bjork, but old. Watch the video to hear the song:

9pm – Monkey – there is no quiz at the Monkey on Drummond Street for the duration of August, mainly due to festival wanks, etc.

I once met Bjork. She was part of a pub quiz team called “Flange Trumpet”, this was at the Cul de Sac in Glasgow in 1999 and she was on a world tour or something and was due to play the SECC the next night.

She knew people in Glasgow and they happened to come to my quiz, so she came too. She knew nothing at all apart from an obscure fact about the invention of clockwork which allowed her team to finish third.

Owing to the format I used at the time, third place gave you a good chance of winding up in a dance off, which she did, against evil doctor Gam.

Gam was a legend of the dance off and bust every move he could, Bjork just stood there trying to be cute/inscrutable, a technique which had served her well in terms of album sales, but could it win a dance off.

But Bjork’s no dummy, she quickly realised that as Gam was doing the running-man, the funky worm and the boom that she couldn’t just win this thing by looking cute: she needed to pull something out.

That’s when she blew the speakers. There were four in the room and she turned on the spot and made a kind of whale noise directly at each one, blowing the speakers in turn, until there was silence. Gam stopped dancing.

All eyes were on Bjork and then she did a single pirouette and then another whale noise, although after a few seconds it was clear she was singing ‘Flower of Scotland’. The room exploded, Bjork got the case of beer and afterwards she slapped down fifty grand on the counter and said ‘that’s for the sound syster’.

We weren’t cunts about it, we fixed the sound system the next day and wired her the change (i.e. most of it – minus a drink or two).

It remains the only time in history that Gam (R.I.P.) ever lost a dance-off in his entire life.

And that was the time Bjork won the dance off at the quiz.*


*It is also not true.

For cheats and hints to win Dr Paul quizzes in Edinburgh, get the weekly email.

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