The other week I asked teams to come up with new events which might make the Glasgow Commonwealth Games (which is just a shit Olympics) more watchable. Here are some of the suggestions I received:

If you can’t read them:

1. Stabbing
2. First One To Get To Greggs
3. The Cripple Jump
4. Quadraplegic Freestyle Masturbation
5. Taps Aff Sauchiehall Street “Assault” Course
6. Gardening / Best At Weeding
7. 10 meter Muff Diving
8. Shetland Pony Racing – One On Each Foot
9. Up-hill Skateboarding
10. Best Royal Insults
11. Getting Back To Athletes Village On Bucky
12. Wankathon
13. Jousting On Pogo Sticks Plus 100 Metre Hurdle Finish