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The answers varied from the heroic to the outrageous to the dumb to the lies. See if you can work out which is which from these selected highlights:

Apologies to Nicole Kidman, Nigel Havers, Ferne Cotton, Jane Seymour, Jessica Alba, Prince William and the bloke ou of Gladiators if any of these are innaccurate,

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Instruction: write down the best thing you have ever done. Best brag wins a packet of mint Viscount biscuits.

Here’s what was claimed:

1. I’ve seen Elton John live in Las Vegas (at Caesar’s Palace)
2. I was born with  this moustache.
3. I caught crabs off Chelsea Clinton
4. I saved a baby from a burning bus (a number eight) outside the Reverie and put the fire oot! This is backed up by a video  that a pure radge boy filmed on his tidy phone!
5. I have my grandfather’s mummified ears in a box at home.
6. My dad used to own this place.
7. Dan hada bath with Whitney Houston.
8. My brother in law won X FActor (Steve Brookstein)
9. I rode a unicorn

Dan who works at the Reverie was responisble for number 4 above and that  proved to be the winner on the grounds that is heroic and is definitely true.

DAn, hiding behind the evil of the Beast

I  thought the crabs-from-Chelsea-Clinton might stand a chance but the more they were questioned, the more the team responsible appeared to have no back up.

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Whitney Houston, not particularly enjoying the jokes

OK, Whitney Houston’s pretty famous (although most folk could only name about three of her hits), so there was a wee influx in the jokes round over the last week at  the various pub quizzes.

Here they are so far:

What’s the difference between Whitney Houston and Maggie Thatcher?

Whitney died a tragic death and that cow is still alive.

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Whitney Houston is Bobby Brown Bread

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Why did Whitney Houston cross the road?

She didnae. She’s deid.

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What’s the difference between Whitney Houston and  a dead crack head?

Fuck all.

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Breaking news: Bobby Brown has been found dead with a note saying “Two Can Play At That Game…”

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What’s the difference between Whitney Houston and my car?

My car can reach 50.

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What did Whitney Houston and the Costa Concordia have in common?

They both hit too many rocks and died in the water!

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“It’s not right, but its OK,” said Whitney Houston’s coroner…

… as he took off his trousers.

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What is Whitney Houston’s next film going to be called?

The Bodybag

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Whitney Houston died doing what she did best…

Holding notes!

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What’s pink and lies on the doormat?

Whitney Houston’s Valentine Cards.

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News of Whitney Houston’s ACIDental death travelled with such SPEED, its made my voice CRACK with emotion and now I’m HORSE because she was a real HEROIN of mine until she met Mr BROWN. She really made a HASH of things then her life went to POT. EE! It’s such a BLOW, someone should have kept TABS on her.

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What’s the difference between Alex Ferguson and Whitney Houston?

Ferguson is still playing Giggs.

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Thanks to the teams at the Brass Monkey Leith, from whence most of these ‘jokes’ came.

N.B. we also had a team called “WHIT! NAE HOUSTON?” Arf.

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In other words, these are offensive to some. If you’re the sort of person who gets offended at things, look away now, do not read these jokes, click somewhere nice, don’t read this shit. You’ll be upset. And then you will comment or email asking for an apology. And frankly, there is no apology, so look away now.

OK, for anyone still reading: here are the jokes (click on a pic to see it full size):

The first is a rather standard “fork in baby’s eyes” HARM joke:

The horror continues with this one from  our Halloween special at the Reverie,

Hate special needs stereoptypes and lingo? Complain to Ricky Gervais, after all he probably wrote this:

And now a visit to the doctor’s surgery. Bewar, this joke does NOT have a happy ending.

The continuing life in the jokes round kind of depends on stuff like this spicing up the harmless jokes. We could debate all night about what’s right to read out and not right to read out.  Is it a valid position to be offended. I think 90% of the time, the answer is no.

But there is a 10%, and sometimes I don’t read everything out that gets handed  in. The success of this or not can perhaps be judged by the fact that I  have NEVER been punched in the face despite running a jokes round for almost the entire lifespan of my pub quizzing (since 1996).

There’s almost a first time…

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This recent entry is probably the closest anyone has ever come to breaking that record:

Well done Edinburgh. Well done on your spelling prowess. Nearly.

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Q – What do you call a hippo who swears a lot?

A – A hippo potty mouth.

Q – Why do hippos fuck in water?

A – You try keeping a 10 lb clit wet.

Bloody hell.

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First there’s a shite rabbi joke and its nice when someone apologises for their shite rabbi joke:

Sometimes people prefer to hand in a comedy rhyme rather than a strict feed-punch joke construct:

This team admitted that they couldn’t think of anything because Phil Collins is the Beast

Most of the Japanese tsunami jokes so far have been quite creative and not-at-all-racist. Here’s the exception that proves the rule, inevitably coming from the pen of Google Eyed:

The basic horse-with-the-long-face joke can be made funnier by just adding an extra line for the horse:

This helium factory joke bombed but I loved it:

And I also love this out of order joke but you know what, I tihnk this actually won on the night it was handed in  (I can’t remember for sure though)…

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First there was this one handed in at the Newsroom, a real favourite of mine, about a bird who isn’t right beside you:

Then one from the Beast side of things. You don’t often get jokes picking on diabetics…

The Tom Jones joke is NOT usually worthy of inclusion in a round-up like this because its a wee bit vanilla, heard it a few too many times. But just at the quality of the handwriting here. You don’t get handwriting like this any more:

Here’s one of the all-time brutal jokes. Short, sharp and shocking:

Then a wee crafty golf-course joke, still nasty but a good 70% less brutal than the previous number:

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