THE JOKER AND THE THIEF 7pm :  JACKPOT £150, Cheat = “MONIE LOVE”

THE BRASS MONKEY 9PM: JACKPOT £150, Cheat = “TRIPLE JUMP”

There’s football at Easter Road tonight but we anticipate no problems whatsoever as I hear ticket sales are slack.

No surprise when you consider the offering is a poor Scotland team seeking to eke out a thin win in a godforsaken “friendly” match against a flimsy Canadian side who literally don’t know how to play the game, seeing as how all their energy is taken up with maple syrup and ice hockey and mooses.

Obviously, the usual die-hard no-matter-what nationalists* with red beards and kilts and all that will attend and they may be joined by some of the Canadian students who live in the city, out of curiosity.

But the time the match is over on this freezing March night, these students will be cursing their curiosity, wondering where their money went, and questioning why anyone would ever make a fuss about “soccer”.

They’ll never attend live football again. Why? Because friendlies are rubbish. So don’t go to Easter Road. Come to the quiz instead.

Good jackpots tonight by the way: £150 in both boozers. Win big and feel it.

The cheat clue for the Joker is Monie Love. It’s in the music round and the song in question is this:

*I voted Yes last time before you get all mental about that sentence. I might not this time though. Genuine don’t know.